I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have hands… I have legs…

Okay, but for real, how often do we take even that for granted? (Let’s throw it back to my 4th of July newsletter and the ode to my one-legged grandpa…)

I do find myself to be a grateful person, but some pockets of life truly test you. It’s like when you’re walking down the street (this is for the ladies…), and you’re just feelin’ chill and happy, and some dude walks by and tells you to smile — and all of a sudden now you’re pissed for no reason.

Gratitude is like that. You can just be feeling it naturally, then life happens and suddenly it all goes out the window… and you have to summon those cat-like reflexes to snatch it back real quick, lest you become another gratitude litterer.

I had an interesting last five days.

Thursday, I was awaiting the announcement of TedX with the team, and just before the post hit, one of my best friends of ten years “broke up with me” over a voice text.

Out of the blue. Left field. Not because of something I specifically did.

It’s giving Carrie Bradshaw being broken up with on a post-it note, for my Sex and The City folks. — But shittier, because you expect this from TV trope men and not real-life girlfriends…

When I tell you I don’t lose friends, it’s because I just don’t. Once somebody’s on my train for life, they would have to do something really horrifying to lose my friendship. I collect friends. I cherish them. I don’t dispose of people.

So, when I also tell you this caught me off guard, it not only did that, it derailed the train.

And because I was on a TedX writing deadline for Monday (yesterday) to finalize my script, I had to take all my feels, summon them into my writing, and somehow — it really worked.

I’ve been having to lean into actual gratitude practices something fierce since that text. When you’re hurt, thankfulness that normally comes easy feels like you’re fishing for water with a dilapidated bucket in a crusty, dried-up well. You feel a little like a shit-covered unicorn. Like you got to the end of the rainbow and instead of a pot of gold there’s just a gross, farting troll dressed up as a Leprechaun.

I've always been a naturally grateful person. Like, genuinely. I'm the one who finds joy in small things, who endlessly appreciates the people around me, who loves an adventure, who can usually find or craft the silver lining even when things get messy.

But lately, that natural flow has felt more like work. (And not “stay at home billionaire housewife type of ‘work,’” but rather shoveling cow shit, which I actually did for a living for many years on farms — truth)

Here's what I've realized: there's a massive difference between forcing gratitude and cultivating it. One feels like emotional labor that leaves you drained. The other feels like coming home to yourself.

Even when peace takes work, I’m determined to get back to it. The view’s just better up there.

The Hustle

Here's what I'm hustling on this week: getting back to my natural grateful state without bypassing the hurt.

And in the interim, like I do my best to (cue canceled wedding day comedy special, Ted Talk, and this newsletter), I’m using my feels best I can as fuel to make sure other people don’t feel like shit about the things that hurt them.

This, my friends, is the birthplace of comedy.

I'm not broken. My gratitude muscle isn't atrophied. I'm just processing some heavy stuff while simultaneously trying to appreciate the good things happening in my life. I’m celebrating all that’s to come while mourning a friendship — both feelings can exist at the same time, but damn if it doesn't feel complicated.

The hustle isn't about forcing myself to be thankful for everything right now. It's about creating space for gratitude to return naturally while I work through the messy parts.

I've been intentionally looking for moments where appreciation flows easily instead of manufacturing it where it doesn't. Like being genuinely grateful for the friends who immediately rallied around me when I shared my TedX news. Or feeling grateful that the director I silently wanted for months to film my next special reached out on his own to work with me.

There are constant little reminders that you truly have the power to draw the right people and opportunities to you. I suppose with that, sometimes seasons come to an end and people fall away…

There's this toxic positivity epidemic that makes me want to scream. Everything happens for a reason, just think positive thoughts, manifest your way out of genuine problems. It's gratitude dressed up as spiritual bypassing, and although there’s real truth to that, it's also sprinkled in garbage.

But I also believe we have more power over our experience than we often realize. I do know our mindset shapes our reality. I do believe in the magic of focusing on what's working — but not at the expense of acknowledging what's not working.

The real work isn't pretending everything is fine. It's allowing myself to feel disappointed about losing a friend while also feeling excited about what’s on the horizon. It's being hurt by someone's decision while still being grateful for the people who stayed, or the good times that were once had.

It's holding space for the complicated middle ground where most of life actually happens.

The Chill

I haven’t responded to my friend’s breakup text yet. I’ve just been letting it sit in the fridge of my mind like an old tortilla that I’m saving for a late-night burrito that will never happen.

I used to be a quick responder to everything. — Gotta get back to this ASAP. Gotta put my two cents in. — Now, I let things breathe and keep my damn mouth shut. I marinate. Silence is powerful. The loudest people are often the most unimpressive.

Here’s what the antithesis of my inner cynic has been whispering in my ear to do, to make sure I stay good while I process:

Stop forcing it. If you're not feeling grateful, get curious about what you are feeling instead. Gratitude works better when it's not competing with unprocessed emotions. And trust, I processed some of my own deep ones in my speech writing these last few days.

Be happy with an edge. Some days I get annoyed with perpetually happy people because their happiness feels one-dimensional. Real contentment includes shadows. You can be grateful and frustrated at the same time. You can be honest while still making the choice to take the high road.

Gratitude doesn't mean grateful for everything. You don't have to be thankful for trauma, toxic people, or terrible situations. Inherently, those things will always suck. You can be grateful for your strength in surviving them, or for what they taught you, or for your ability to recognize them now — for resilience, understanding boundaries, and better communication with yourself.

Start small and specific. Instead of "I'm grateful for my life," try "I'm grateful this pair of socks doesn’t have a toe hole" or "I'm grateful that I got that parking ticket dropped" — (and we did get all but one of the tickets mentioned in this newsletter dropped — eat my proverbial ass city of Chicago!)

It's okay if gratitude feels like work sometimes. What used to come naturally might need effort now, and that doesn't mean you're bad. We’re just people.

The goal isn't to be grateful all the time, but I am grateful often. And since we can’t control other people, we may as well do the work to control how we respond to them.

Sometimes gratitude is a feeling, sometimes it's a choice, and sometimes it's just remembering you have hands and legs. All of it counts.

Upcoming Shows

Here are the current cities cooking 🔥 for tour — Columbus, Buffalo, Portland, Austin, New York, San Diego, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, Charleston, Detroit, Boston, DC, San Francisco, Raleigh, Upstate New York, Nashville, Dallas and Arlington. You can submit on the waitlist for any specific cities on my website, or obviously, just stay here in my newsletter.

This week: Madison Comedy Week — I’ll be on a hot lineup at Comedy On State in Madison, WI Thursday night and will share other drop-ins on my Instagram stories!

August 17th — Colombus, Ohio — get after it!

September 26th — TedX Chicago

I’ve been slow to rollout tour announcements. I’m really focusing heavy right now on crushing TedX (I promise, I will not disappoint you), and will hit the road once that is over. Be patient my friends, you’ll be the first with ticket links when they’re live 🙃 

Love you all and cheers to the hustle + chill. We are but shit-covered unicorns. And that’s OK.

xx NPH