I’m tired.

Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes.

The kind that comes from years of being capable and resourceful and keeping my head up. Because I’ve had no other choice.

The kind of tired that comes from turning every hard situation and setback into something funny and relatable, or a business opportunity, or a partnership, or a way to inspire and help others out of a similar situation.

The kind of tired that comes from having to constantly make shit work or create a new way.

The kind of tired you get from a life of survival — overcoming — never having the luxury of falling apart. Keep moving or die — shark-style.

It’s a level of exhaustion today that is hitting at a cellular level. I know I’m not alone in this.

Everything always works out. I know this. I’ve lived it time and time again.

But what no one tells you about being a leader, a hustler, and the person who “always figures it out” is you get pretty fucking tired some days of “figuring it out.”

Last night I fell apart in the kitchen — Where we do much of our finest emotional work.

It takes a lot for me to break down. To let my emotions show. It means I’ve been pushed passed not one, but dozens, of boundaries. I’m like a classic VW bug that just hit its three hundred sixty-thousandth mile and finally needs a new engine…

My boyfriend hugged me. Multiple times. And I actually let him, which in ‘upset stubborn woman’ means I really needed it.

I sobbed into his sweater, and kept saying “I know everything always works out for me, but I’m exhausted by trusting that every single time. I just want it all to be easy for once. I’ve fought for and built everything for myself for 20 years and I’m fucking tired.”

The Hustle

The reality of life in entertainment means we artists live in a world where "manifest abundance" and "which venue or company or project still owes me money” exist in the same afternoon.

The money exists somewhere. The work is done. The invoice was sent. But the check is on someone else's timeline… A streamer's quarterly payout schedule. A booker's "we'll get to it when we get to it.” A partnership where the company just happens to go under days after your invoice was due while not responding to your emails…

So what do you do when the rug gets pulled?

We're told to be entrepreneurs. Build our own thing. Don't rely on a corporation. Be our own boss. “Artists aren’t 9-5ers!” …sure, but we’re also… 24/7ers.

Don’t get me wrong. I love operating this way. I love being in the business of being me.

Here's what they don't say: as independent artists, creators and business owners, you're still relying on corporations. Just forty of them instead of one. And none of them owe you the security of a steady paycheck or benefits.

The gig economy sold us freedom, but what we got was fragility. You're not waiting on one company to not lay you off — you're waiting on dozens of entities to follow through. To pay on time. To communicate clearly. To not ghost. To not go under. To treat you like money owed is a favor to them rather than a bother.

Everyone's hustling. Everyone's working toward multiple income streams. And everyone's doing the same math at 2am wondering if this month is the month it doesn’t add up.

The Chill

Last night after the wave of emotion and inhaling a few homemade naan pizzas courtesy of my other half, I forced myself to go meditate in the tub. And by ‘meditate’ I mean drink tea and listen to a podcast. Hey, whatever calms your mind.

As I sat there in the tub, I gave myself permission to feel like absolute shit for exactly ten minutes. Then I told myself that’s enough. Turns out I only needed about four of those before I was over it.

This morning I hit the reset button hard. I decided once again, I’ll turn it all around. Somehow.

Then I made coffee. Opened my laptop. And I asked myself the only question that matters when everything feels like it's falling apart: What can I control right now?

I can't control someone else's bank account. Can't make a company solvent. Can't speed up payment schedules or force people to respond to emails.

But I can control what I do next. The calls I make. The ideas I execute. The things I build while I'm waiting to receive checks that may or may not clear.

Here’s the thing about bad news: it doesn't go away because you ignore it. But it also doesn't get better if you let it consume you. You have to find the space between denial and spiral. The place where you can acknowledge "this is really fucking hard" and also "I'm going to figure this out."

I don't have the answer yet. I don't know how this specific thing resolves. But I know I've been here before — different circumstances, same feeling — and I'm still swimming.

And even if I have to write the check myself and walk it to the fucking mailbox, I refuse to believe anything other than: the check is in the mail.

Upcoming Shows

As I mentioned in last week’s newsletter, I’m locking in date and location for my second hour special taping. Here are the top cities I was requested to film in via my IG stories:

Nashville, Philly, Minnesota/Minneapolis, Chicago, New Orleans, Boston, Wisconsin, LA, Salt Lake City, Vegas, Miami. I have a lot of thoughts on the pros and cons of each of these… also surprised New York was on the low end of mentions! I’m kinda leaning towards Vegas, Miami or Minneapolis for some reason… again, feel free to offer more feedback here, but I’m going to make coming to my special taping a VERY unique, multi-day experience.

As always, you can catch up on archived newsletters here: NPH’s Episodic Magazine

I have shows this week Th + Fri only before taking time off for Thanksgiving. Peep my Instagram stories to see where they are 🙃 

Love you all and cheers to the hustle + chill. We trust SOMETHING good has to come in the mail soon…

xx NPH